Hyphenated Monsters

Maybe there was a time when a MONSTER could simply be a MONSTER. Those days are long gone. I bet that even Count Dracula would have to open his home to tourists — day visits only — to cover the taxes on his huge and drafty castle. Would a werewolf make a good dog groomer? Perhaps he’d be a good veterinary assistant or a bartender working a shift closely related to the lunar cycle?

I live in New York. It’s a city full of hyphenated people. Nearly everyone waiting tables is auditioning for acting roles. Baristas are screenwriters. Bartenders are photographers. Singers teach French. Musicians build websites. Lawyers write novels. DJs do bookkeeping. Sculptors install kitchen cabinets. Look around in this city and you’ll find millions of people with their feet in two camps.

If you include people with a passionate interest — one that consumes time comparable to a profession — the Tango dancers, choral singers, tennis players, runners, painters, ballet dancers, yogis…. Add the people daydreaming of another life — carpenters with real estate dreams, accountants with food truck fantasies, police detectives with filmmaker ambitions… You could probably hyphenate all but a few of the 8,244,910 people living here. (As of the July 2011 census.)

Maybe the Mayor defies hyphenation, but that’s only because he’s already had a career in the financial industry, loves piloting his helicopter and dreams of making New York a city of healthy non-smokers, that avoid jumbo soft drinks and trans fats. They call him the Nanny Mayor.

Getting back to the MONSTER hyphenations.

What would be the right job for a MONSTER? Vampires have to stick with a nights-only schedule. That’s compatible with night shift security guards, late shift bartenders, officers in night court and, of course, the night shift at a hospital with a big, juicy blood bank!

Werewolves should go freelance. A werewolf bounty hunter, a werewolf tax accountant, a werewolf advertising copywriter, a werewolf tow truck driver… I’d suggest housepainter, but a hairy guy might shed a bit too much. I imagine that werewolves would make great dog walkers — being the obvious leader of the pack!

Giants are naturals for certain sports — we do have the New York Giants football team — and I guess Nessie, if she ever left Scotland, would be an asset to the Museum of Natural History’s staff. Bigfoot could be the “bouncer” at Wolman Rink during ice-skating season, keeping the big kids from trampling the little ones. You’d have to be pretty intimidating to do that job.

Any thoughts on hyphenated MONSTERS?


    • Candy

      That’s great! The scene in the book — one of the few that winds up in all the movies that followed — is the interactions with the blind man. Fabulous!!!

    • Candy

      Umm… I’m not a tech head either. I don’t think I have a LIKE button, but I certainly like it when people post comments. Thanks for pointing that out. I think I’ll look into it. On the Candy’s Monsters Facebook fan page, it’s like, like, like…

      The blog is more about chatting and I’m really glad you stopped by!

  1. Actually a LIKE button would be really good. It’s become one of those ubiquitous things that we only appreciate when it’s not there – like toilet paper.

    • Candy

      Personally, I like toilet paper a whole lot!

      I’ll find out about the LIKE button. I think they are getting to be ubiquitous, but maybe that’s because so many people LIKE them.

      LOL… I really do need to start sleeping at night. I’m making myself crack up at bad jokes.

  2. Metan

    The Discworld books by Terry Pratchett have many ‘monsters’ who have other day jobs. The character of Angua is a werewolf, an excellent sense of smell is a great asset when tracking the badly behaved in her job as an officer with The Watch and Mr Slant is a zombie and the president of the Guild of Lawyers, really, no surprise there! 🙂

    • Candy

      So the call to arms would be “first kill all the zombie lawyers!”

      In addition to fantasy world books, the new urban paranormals, zombie books and vampire romances, certainly have opened up the job descriptions of the un-dead and assorted monsters.